The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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