So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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