They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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