Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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