Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
