Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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