Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
