Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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