he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
