God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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