how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
