remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Randomize
