just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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