you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
