Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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