I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
