The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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