The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
