Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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