How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
are you so shy because you have an std?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
