We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
