I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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