Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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