Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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