6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
