My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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