Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
