eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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