i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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