Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
