stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
