Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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