I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
