I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
