90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
