I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Randomize
