She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
