I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
