you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
handjob tips. give me some.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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