awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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