Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
