LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
