Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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