So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
