I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
