your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
