Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
