he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
