and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
