I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
